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The Ink Stained Wretch

“A Non-Breeder’s View from Suburban Hell”

Bring us your ideals and expectations. Bring us your romance. Bring us your wide eyes and open arms. Bring us your pocket full of cash.

                Bring us your one-way-ins and your one-way-outs. Bring us your community pools, your playgrounds, your recreation centers. Bring us your concrete-shingled roofs and three-car garages. Bring us your mini-vans and  SUVs. Bring us your cul-de-sacs. Bring us your mansions and your tiny yards. Bring us your riding lawnmowers. Bring us your water bans and sprinkler systems. Bring us your trees and plants with a one year guarantee. Bring us your patios, your hot tubs, your fire pits. Bring us your driveways and basketball hoops. Bring us your open windows and air conditioners. Bring us your finished basements and your guest bedrooms. Bring us your overflowing trash cans and empty recycle bins. Bring us your lost and barking dogs. Bring us your welcome mats. Bring us your foreclosures.

                Bring us your transients. Bring us your neighbors. Bring us your dysfunctional marriages. Bring us your desperate housewives, their red wine, their book clubs. Bring us your egocentric husbands, their sports, their small genitalia. Bring us your infidelity and divorce. Bring us your carpools. Bring us your obese and borderline retarded children. Bring us their shitty diapers and allergies. Bring us their birthday parties. Bring us your world that revolves around them. Bring us birth control and vasectomies.

                Bring us your social networks, your gossip, your fair-weather friends. Bring us your religion. Bring us your sexual predators, your whores. Bring us your alcoholics, your gamblers, your identity thieves, your domestic abusers, your prescription and recreational drugs. Bring us your sense of belonging and your loss of identity.

                Bring us your corporate relocations. Bring us your credit scores and your debt. Bring us your 401Ks, your stocks, your investments. Bring us your braggarts and opportunists. Bring us your Mexican and Las Vegas vacations. Bring us your second home in the mountains owned by the generation before you. Bring us your inheritance. Bring us your laziness. Bring us your entitlement to it all.

                Bring us your sleepless nights. Bring us your false hope, your bitterness, your sadness, your regret. Bring us your anger. Bring us your broken promises, your broken dreams, your broken spirit, your broken hearts.

                Fuck you, neighbor. Fuck you, suburbia

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